The Clayman Revolt (Or, How I Blatantly Refuse to Write About Things People Request)

The day Easter(n) Wind blew west was the day the Minnesota Contenent, ultimately, shriveled up and died. Bodies of Minnesotean land decayed and it's indigious peoples, the Claymen, were strewn about the atmophone. The Gentle Mollusk awaited patiently his own demise and with a gasp, disappeared, as all good things, regardless of how good, come to an end. And with him fell the Minnesota Continent. Some refugees managed to get out of the decaying half-donutesque planet and onto Aerth which rested in the Flower Continent, where the remnants were met with disrespect, seeing it as they were from warring continents, and were forced to live under inhumane conditions. This ultimately led to the Clayman Revolt. Shaken as the refugees were from all that had happened, they sought a man responisble for this action. Blinded by apathy they went ahead and captured Easter Wind and decaptated him, despite his efforts to explain that it was actually the Cosmic Duke that broke their favored thing or whatever. As much fun as murder and anarchy were, the Clayman peasants were, intrestingly enough, joined by men who's fates resided higher up in the hierarchy of the Flower Continent and began a worldwide revolt against alot of things that they didn't agree with I think, formely known as the Clayman Revolt. 

Upon receiving further news of the Continent's demolition and the rallying of the Claymen peasants, the paranoid Duke responded by putting the blame on high-ranking political officials, Manichaeans, and those who opposed his rule in general, mainly the radical leftist group (Dukist-Cannonist Commitee) the Duke created alongside American Trotskyist, James Cannon, which they both, were presently a part of, and afterwards flooded Central Asia in a bet he made with Roald Dahl. When things simmered down, he resurrected Easter Wind using console commands, but later changed his name to Blue 5, despite his apparent delicious yellow coating, and used him as artificial coloring in yogurts as punishment for ratting him out to the Claymen during his execution.

The revolt led to the overthrow of the Autonomous Republic of Aerth, and despite pleading help from other planets, the rest of the Flower Continent seemed totally indifferent towards Aerth. Aerth was now ruled by a pagan theocracy, as all of the Minnesota Continent once was, which was the main reason the Duke had destroyed it, anyway. Aerth had been renamed to Barlaam, Aerthians were persecuted and killed, and the Cosmic Duke was asleep. Many instances of the Duke were present at that time, like 12, but they were all actively engaged in a century-long game of mancala and didn't want to get out of their way to help mortals. After 14 centuries of ongoing war against the Aerthians, Aerth's native kinsmen were at an all-time low, forced to live in the wilderness and away from newly erected cities. Soon after, the Cosmic Duke woke up and threw all of himselves in the fireplace and shaved all the fur he had grown from his cosmic hibernation. There was so much clatter coming from Barlaam, which he blamed for waking him, that he flooded it with menstrual blood and populated it with crocodiles.

The Map Of Other Aerth

The Darker Polygon

-Informative

 The Darker Polygon is something that we can not talk about as it is Darker than the Darkest Polygon. It is forbidden to speak of but I am taking the risk to tell you that the Darker Polygon's demon to human ration is ten to one. The Darker Polygon is a place of murder and rape and bad things and all things bad. There is no law enforcement as there are no laws and no rules to abide by and that is why nobody goes there. Funk is not apparent in the Darker Polygon despite it being the essence that fuels the very Polyverse. They are the Anti-Funk. Not an Anti-Funkler. The Anti-Funk. They obliterate Funkchildren, mutilate them, kill them, destroy them. There have been times where the IGM, the Intergalactic Militia, a subsection of the IGLEs, have gone down there, never to return. I can not supply anything else to you except some photos. Unless I want the IGLEs knocking at my Funkhouse's doorwallfloorboardstep.

 Images Below: Various IGM Operations.

The Lesser-Known Yet Still Absolute Beings Of The Polyverse

 -Informative

 There are other absolute beings in the Polyverse besides the Cosmic Duke.
 There is Quarterman, which many Funkchildren claim to be a myth. He tried to steal the Cosmic Duke's throne, and was dismembered by a punch from the Cosmic Duke's mighty hammer, straight into his frail chest. He was banished to the barren Lighter Polygon, where he lives in solitude in a chamber, his machinery supporting his life.
 There is Bregghünstöfft, the God of food and other things as necessary as such. He is responsible for covering the Darkest Polygon with bread to alert the Cosmic Duke of beings that should not be.
Last but not least are the true Funkchildren. While everyone is considered a Funkchild and has a Funksoul, There are very few that are truly born from Funk itself. Ponko and Dongle are two of the few true Funkchildren. Funkchildren have the opportunity to become Absolute Beings, or demigods.
While all three beings referred to in the excerpt above actually have a higher status than the Cosmic Duke, including the Cosmic Duke himself, actually, as he has the highest status no matter what I say, so he is forever God. I forget why though.
Something about tooth enamel.

Image Below: Consequence Of A Normal Funkchild Attempting Ascension

Why Pictures From The Polyverse Are Distorted

-Informative Article

You may have asked this to yourself before.

"Why are so many of the pictures black and white?"

When color pictures were created in the Polyverse, the quality was a lot worse compared to the usual black and white pictures. This was met with a large disapproval from the Funkchildren in the Dark Polygon, and even the Cosmic Duke preferred black and white pictures, and so they stuck.

The pictures come out so poorly over the Infoverse (what you're using to read this right now) because they have to travel over so many planes of conception to reach you, possibly. It depends on how far away you are. If you live in the Dark Polygon like us, you would see it clearly. Do you?

The farther the pictures go, the more the quality degrades, as bits and pieces are lost in the massive Infoverse.

Can you read this image? Are there artifacts in it? If either of these are apparent, you must be in a different Polygonal plane.

Image Below: A Test

The Great Attack Of 2007 And A Half

-Informal Article

In 2007 the Anti-Funklers conglomerated together in New Bronklefunksonham, rushing the streets, smashing windows, upturning the houses and crumpling the general psychedelic vibe that floated through the air. The Anti-Funklers ran through the streets, brutally murdering Funkchildren, and draining their biofunk. Thousands of Funkchildren died. The IGLEs were so busy with another group of hoogly fooglies that they didn't notice what was going on until it was nearly too late. Funkcitizen's heads were caved in, purple, gooey pools of biofunk surrounding them and others and items and asphalt and pavement. The IGLEs pulled out their Government Issued Hand-Held Deployable Anti-Funkler-Absorbant Vacuums and chucked them toward the oncoming horde of Anti-Funklers. The Funkchildren and the IGLEs began to run. Running and running and running in the night through the burning streets and the overturned houses and the rubble and the screaming and the biofunk and the entrails and the Funksouls and all over and every where and up down all around it smelled of screaming and ruckus and iron and everywhere all at once and then it was gone, in a bang, a flash. The Anti-Funklers were gone, and the screaming was replaced with a silent gasp and the realization that everything was ok now and everything was safe. That was the Great Attack of 2007 (and a half) that shook the whole Polyverse and all and above and everything near and made things peaceful again.


Image Description: IGLEs moving down the streets toward the crowd of Anti-Funklers. (off camera)

Aerth And Why It Exists But Doesn't

-Informatiational Entry

 Aerth holds many of the beings of Funk that live in the Dark Polygon. Aerth is merely a subsection of the infinitely sprawling entity that is only limited by the Cosmic Duke's mind. The Dark Polygon's habitats such as Aerth are merely theoretically there.  The Cosmic Duke imagines the planes of being. Therefore, they exist, but do not. They can't disappear though because once you think of something it's there. That's why the Cosmic Duke only thinks of justice and the beauty and the prosperity. He doesn't think of murder. He does not read books because of the risk and he does not watch, read, or follow media because of this. He is restricted to his mind and his capacity to think of good things so that nothing truly awful is unleashed upon the Polygonal Planes.

There are many other sections of the Dark Polygon and other planes that consist of other people and copies of people and dopplegangers and you could be there right now and forever on and they are better off than you and then there are other people and people in other sections are watching  you breathe and inhale in the toxins in the air and watching you move turning in your chair as you tense up at the thought of this happening right now and you try to think of the good things and-

"Hot cheesy fries, Ponko! This is getting a little too weird for me! Can you chill out man?" - You, The Reader.

This is the part where things become hard to explain because nobody can stand to hear about the spooky truth of the consequences of consequences in other sections of the plane. While this is not bad as your doppleganger is technically not you, it can be frightening to comprehend. What you must remember is the Funk that powers the world and the Duke and the planes will make all right.